I think I got beat up this morning. I got punched in the stomach and slapped in the face. I just can't wait until the day that this feeling all goes away. I think it's starting to. Yea, it hurt this morning. But not as bad as I thought it was going to. Over the past few days, I was sort of preparing for it. It's not something that I wanted to prepare for. It's not something I expected to prepare for. The thing that sucks is that this past weekend was our one year. 365 days of being together. We celebrated by going camping. On the 364th day, he told me he didn't love me anymore. But ... it's how life goes. It gives us things that we love and things that we hate. When one door closes, another opens. Maybe that next open door will bring us back together. And maybe not.
I helped him clean out his apartment this morning. It felt good seeing him leaving a place that he never truly loved, and going home to where he is comfortable and where the majority of the people that love him are. It was easy to clean up a place that wasn't spotless in the first place. Kind of like our relationship. It hasn't been completely spotless and perfect over the past month. So I'm hoping that that imperfectness will make it easier to clean it all up.
I talked to a friend last night. She told me it's impossible to fall out of love that fast ... within just a few days. She told me that maybe he's dealing with a lot right now and it's forcing him to make decisions where he's not thinking of how it will actually affect his life. He hasn't had time to relax and really think about it ... what he's losing. It's hard hearing this from her, because in my past ... she's always been right.
I followed him as far as I could until my exit. I sped up and slowed down to stay right behind him. Then I passed him and we waved good-bye. Every part of me wanted to keep following him, keep on driving. And not stop until I get to where he's going. I wish I didn't have the strength to move on. I wish it wasn't even an issue to move on right now. I don't want to. I don't want to stop loving him. But he doesn't want my love anymore. And what a waste of time that would be for me to keep giving him more and more of me when he doesn't want to take it. It would be pretty selfish on my part, because that's what has made me feel good about myself: loving him.
So there's a single 26-year old guy out there now. He's the most amazing guy I've ever had in my life (besides my dad and brother). He's been there through some of the worst and best times of my life. He is genuine, and has the most beautiful and comforting heart. He has so much passion for helping people and being the best that he can be. He doesn't care what people think of him and doesn't take the little things for granted. He never feels like he gives enough to the world. He pushes people into uncomfortable situations and helps you get through them and feel great about yourself and want to live and experience everything the world has to offer. He is respected and looked up to by so many people and loved by everyone that even gets a 'hi' from him. He loves the outdoors and especially rock climbing. Watching him doing the things he loves doing will make you fall even more in love with him. You will never see so much passion about life from anyone else. He will love you so much that you feel like there's nothing better in life. His smile will make you melt. His touch will make you feel like there's no greater feeling in the world. It will feel perfect. Like it's meant to be. It will make you plan for that day you walk down the aisle because you want to make sure that he really is tied down and never leaves. Because you will want to spend each and every single day with him for the rest of your life. The only reason I'm giving him to you is not because I want to. But because I have to. He tied up my hands and pushed me down to the ground. All I could do is watch him walk away.
so.. let's Drink to Moving On .
peace and love.
kails.
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